Today is day three of Infertility Awareness Week, and someone made a comment to me that made me think. The comment? 'Didn't you use to be infertile?' Hm. Used to be? I guess on the outside looking in, I used to be infertile. I mean, I have two miracles. Doesn't that mean I'm not broken anymore? Maybe. However, infertility for me isn't just about broken/malfunctioning reproductive organs.
It's an all consuming battle.
It's crying in the middle of the night because another month has come and gone and you just found out you're not pregnant. Again.
It's smiling on the outside, while your heart is breaking on the inside, when a family member or friend announces they are pregnant. Again.
It's smiling and saying 'maybe' when a well meaning friend asks if you are going to have kids soon. Or if you are going to have another.
It's making excuses why you cant go when you are invited to a baby shower. Or going and running the risk that you spend the entire party sobbing in the bathroom. It's watching a friends baby grow up, and aching for your lost baby that would have been the same age.
It's spending the first year of your first take home babies life terrified you are doing something wrong. Terrified to leave her with anyone. Terrified you are a bad parent. Terrified its just a dream, and she really isn't real.
It's struggling to give her that all important sibling everyone keeps asking about, and going through more heartbreak. Loss. Despair.
It's finally bringing your second baby home, and the terrified feelings creep back in.
Being an infertile with kids comes with its own set of problems. You feel you don't fit in with either side: Fertile, or Infertile? You know the struggles of your fellow infertile families, yet you have what they desire. You don't really feel like you belong to the other side either. After all, they don't understand your fears. They don't get the struggle.
Does one ever truly get over bring infertile? Maybe. Maybe in a few years. Right now though, I label myself as infertile. With two miracles.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Gods Blessings
Today I got to message with my nephew for a little bit (he's a Marine, and currently deployed) and we got to talking about how great God is, and I'd like to take some time today, and list the things God has done for us.
We were told, after years of trying, that biological children would be impossible without major medical intervention. The Girl will be 4 next week, and The Boy will be 8 months. Both were conceived with no medical intervention (yes we did everything short of IVF when we were trying, but The Girl was conceived after we stopped everything. The Boy was our extra special surprise)
We were told to give up, and find somewhere else countless times, by well meaning friend and family, while we were trying to buy our house. We had peace, and I even physically heard a voice telling me 'WAIT!' one day. Scared me at the time, but I felt overwhelming peace. We now have a house that is perfect for us. It has every single one of our needs, and almost all of our wants. All within our budget. It took us 6 months, but God gave us our house. Had we given up, we might still be looking.
The Boy. He is a miracle to begin with, but he is a double miracle. I noticed at around 2 months something wasn't right with his eyes. He wasn't focusing, and he had 'wiggly' eyes according to his sister. The diagnosis was a scary one, and we were told he may never see. As of right now, his vision is good, and our ophthalmologist is very confident he will have almost normal vision. The pesky 'wiggle' is still there, but we know God will give the Drs wisdom on how to deal with that in the future if needed.
Those are just a few huge things that show us how much God loves us. That doesn't complete the list, those are just the big ones for us. God is good, even in the hard times. He never leaves us.
We were told, after years of trying, that biological children would be impossible without major medical intervention. The Girl will be 4 next week, and The Boy will be 8 months. Both were conceived with no medical intervention (yes we did everything short of IVF when we were trying, but The Girl was conceived after we stopped everything. The Boy was our extra special surprise)
We were told to give up, and find somewhere else countless times, by well meaning friend and family, while we were trying to buy our house. We had peace, and I even physically heard a voice telling me 'WAIT!' one day. Scared me at the time, but I felt overwhelming peace. We now have a house that is perfect for us. It has every single one of our needs, and almost all of our wants. All within our budget. It took us 6 months, but God gave us our house. Had we given up, we might still be looking.
The Boy. He is a miracle to begin with, but he is a double miracle. I noticed at around 2 months something wasn't right with his eyes. He wasn't focusing, and he had 'wiggly' eyes according to his sister. The diagnosis was a scary one, and we were told he may never see. As of right now, his vision is good, and our ophthalmologist is very confident he will have almost normal vision. The pesky 'wiggle' is still there, but we know God will give the Drs wisdom on how to deal with that in the future if needed.
Those are just a few huge things that show us how much God loves us. That doesn't complete the list, those are just the big ones for us. God is good, even in the hard times. He never leaves us.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Eating
Happy Sunday everyone! We are having such a nice day today! After Church, the kids and I went to a women's lunch with our church ladies, and after that, we vegged out on the couch (we got a new one, and its so comfy!) until The Most Handsome Hubby had to go to work.
Tonight, The Boy was eating, and gobbling up every bite, and begging for more almost before his mouth was empty. I couldn't help but laugh at his giant mouth, and the excited noises he was making. The Girl decided to get in on the action, but she was sticking non-food items in his mouth (a toy, a empty spoon, a sock, etc) He eventually refused to open his mouth for anything, including the yummy pears I had been feeding him!
It reminded me of my devotions a few days ago in Jeremiah and Psalms: Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8, and Jeremiah 15:16 When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, LORD God Almighty.
The word of God is our spiritual food. We eat by reading it. Studying it. We go to church to be fed by the teaching of the Pastor. We are in charge of our diet, though. We choose to open our mouths and be fed, or clamp our lips close and not receive. We are in charge of whether or not we get a good meal, or go hungry. We also need to only eat good things, not lies and garbage (or socks and toys, haha!)
Tonight, The Boy was eating, and gobbling up every bite, and begging for more almost before his mouth was empty. I couldn't help but laugh at his giant mouth, and the excited noises he was making. The Girl decided to get in on the action, but she was sticking non-food items in his mouth (a toy, a empty spoon, a sock, etc) He eventually refused to open his mouth for anything, including the yummy pears I had been feeding him!
It reminded me of my devotions a few days ago in Jeremiah and Psalms: Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8, and Jeremiah 15:16 When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, LORD God Almighty.
The word of God is our spiritual food. We eat by reading it. Studying it. We go to church to be fed by the teaching of the Pastor. We are in charge of our diet, though. We choose to open our mouths and be fed, or clamp our lips close and not receive. We are in charge of whether or not we get a good meal, or go hungry. We also need to only eat good things, not lies and garbage (or socks and toys, haha!)
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Just another day
My bed is crowded this morning. The Cat, The Girl, The Boy, and The Most Handsome Husband are sharing it with me. The Cat is the only one who knows what personal space means (at least today) I have a list a mile long to accomplish today. Cleaning. Shopping. Preparing for The Girl's 4th birthday party/our housewarming party (EEK!! Only 2 more weeks!) But here I sit, cuddled with my babies, listening to them breathe, and wishing I could keep them little forever. Today is a day I think of what could have been, but not with sadness (today at least) I realize I could have been planning a party for a 7 year old. I always imagine our first baby would have been a boy. I don't know why, but I think I like the idea of a big brother angel watching out for the rest of my babies. He'd want something Manly, not the baby theme of The Girl's party (Veggie Tales, anyone?) Then I think if we hadn't had a second loss, The Boy would never be here. That makes me sad. I wouldn't have my cuddle bug. My loving, sweet, precious, don't put me down or I'll scream, bundle of joy. I realize that all things happen for a reason. Without our loss(es), and struggle to have a baby, I wouldn't appreciate my babies as much. I might not be able to offer an encouraging word for someone in the middle of their journey.
My bed might be full this morning, but so is my heart. So, here I sit, crowded and uncomfortable, but happy and content.
My bed might be full this morning, but so is my heart. So, here I sit, crowded and uncomfortable, but happy and content.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Angel Birthdays
Today is my niece's 19th birthday. I remember the call, and feeling jealous because today is also my sisters birthday, and how cool would it be to share a birthday with my niece? Then I remember feeling guilty because she was born so early. So tiny. So sick. I remember the race to Alabama, and how I never saw my Dad so determined to get there as quickly as possible. I remember when we got there seeing my brother and Dad hug for what seemed to be forever, and seeing both of them cry for the first time that I can remember except for when my Mom died. I remember seeing her tiny, perfect body, and thinking she looked just like a porcelain doll. My Dad kept saying she looked like me. I tried hard to imagine myself that small. I remember thinking Why? Why would God allow such an innocent be taken from us so young?How was this fair?
Fast forward to now. My brother and sister in law have 4 more children. They are awesome, smart, handsome, beautiful, wonderful kids. I hope mine grow up to be just like them. I still don't know why God chose to make Brittany sick, or why he chose to take her from this earth, but I think I appreciate the babies in the family that got to stay here on earth more. I can't imagine what it's like to carry a baby and feel it grow and move, and then give birth only to be told that you need to say goodbye. I do know the loss of a baby, but I lost my babies almost as soon as I knew they existed. The hurt is still there, the empty arms are still there, but I know it's different.
Today I'll hug my babies a little closer, and think of my family, and remember how perfect my niece was, and pray for the next few days to go by as pain free as possible for my family as they remember the birthday of their angel, and her short few days here on the earth.
Fast forward to now. My brother and sister in law have 4 more children. They are awesome, smart, handsome, beautiful, wonderful kids. I hope mine grow up to be just like them. I still don't know why God chose to make Brittany sick, or why he chose to take her from this earth, but I think I appreciate the babies in the family that got to stay here on earth more. I can't imagine what it's like to carry a baby and feel it grow and move, and then give birth only to be told that you need to say goodbye. I do know the loss of a baby, but I lost my babies almost as soon as I knew they existed. The hurt is still there, the empty arms are still there, but I know it's different.
Today I'll hug my babies a little closer, and think of my family, and remember how perfect my niece was, and pray for the next few days to go by as pain free as possible for my family as they remember the birthday of their angel, and her short few days here on the earth.
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