Today is day three of Infertility Awareness Week, and someone made a comment to me that made me think. The comment? 'Didn't you use to be infertile?' Hm. Used to be? I guess on the outside looking in, I used to be infertile. I mean, I have two miracles. Doesn't that mean I'm not broken anymore? Maybe. However, infertility for me isn't just about broken/malfunctioning reproductive organs.
It's an all consuming battle.
It's crying in the middle of the night because another month has come and gone and you just found out you're not pregnant. Again.
It's smiling on the outside, while your heart is breaking on the inside, when a family member or friend announces they are pregnant. Again.
It's smiling and saying 'maybe' when a well meaning friend asks if you are going to have kids soon. Or if you are going to have another.
It's making excuses why you cant go when you are invited to a baby shower. Or going and running the risk that you spend the entire party sobbing in the bathroom. It's watching a friends baby grow up, and aching for your lost baby that would have been the same age.
It's spending the first year of your first take home babies life terrified you are doing something wrong. Terrified to leave her with anyone. Terrified you are a bad parent. Terrified its just a dream, and she really isn't real.
It's struggling to give her that all important sibling everyone keeps asking about, and going through more heartbreak. Loss. Despair.
It's finally bringing your second baby home, and the terrified feelings creep back in.
Being an infertile with kids comes with its own set of problems. You feel you don't fit in with either side: Fertile, or Infertile? You know the struggles of your fellow infertile families, yet you have what they desire. You don't really feel like you belong to the other side either. After all, they don't understand your fears. They don't get the struggle.
Does one ever truly get over bring infertile? Maybe. Maybe in a few years. Right now though, I label myself as infertile. With two miracles.
LL- Thanks for sharing. I hear your heart & really can understand what you are saying here. Well, part of it anyway. As you know, I too have two miracles...but still mourn never staying pregnant. I miss my two heaven babies, but I have learned to never take anything for granted. It's awesome that you unloaded your feeling about this....it's a delicate issue with many. Last weekend I just went to the first baby shower that I've attended in a LONG time. I was dreading it. A lot. Though, it was okay. Please know that you are doing things right. You are a good momma & God chose you (& the other LL) to parent those miracles. He doesn't make mistakes. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Shannon! Yes, it is a touchy subject for many. I tend to be a bit outspoken :) You too are an awesome Momma! To your babies you got to keep (if only for a little while) and the ones too perfect for earth. I think not only does infertility need as many voices as possible, someone needs to remember the babies that we never got to hold in our arms. It always makes me feel a little less alone when someone remembers my angels, not just my take home babies. You keep being an awesome Mom to Hummingbird!
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